As usual, I’d much rather listen to Dottie Narcotic talk about her root canal than watch an entire episode of this show. And so would you!
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So who else was totally geeked at the JabbawockeeZ appearance on this week’s show? Man, I love them. You could say they’re performing at the Cane Everybody Who Shows Up Festival and I’d still be excited.
On the other hand, I wasn’t as excited about Lil Mama. I feel bad for dumping on her because she’s still so young. I definitely remember being a complete embarrassment at 20 and was fortunate enough to not have cameras around. But after blurting out all that transmisogynist garbage this season on Dance Crew and then bumrushing Jay-Z‘s VMA performance (hope she sent Kanye a muffin basket for that one), I think I’ve pretty much had my fill of Ms. Mama. Calgon, take her away. She needs to lay low and work out the rest of those kinks of young adulthood offscreen.
But I guess it is kinda weird I’m saying that while she’s guesting on a show that features girls her age who are just as embarrassing on film. I don’t feel like examining that double standard, so let’s just focus on our weekly lessons.
Lesson One: Don’t Be a Stealth Ninja
If I’m not mistaken, Benny Ninja has been a cycle staple since C7. So why am I always surprised to see him? Or maybe it’s less of a surprise and more of “Oh, wow; time to go to the dentist again already?” But I bet everybody would prefer to see Benny twice a year instead of the dentist.
Like, here’s a dentist horror story. About seven years ago, I went to the dentist and she filled a cavity for me while she and her hygienist talked about their stupid suburban lives. And the hygienist wouldn’t shut up about how she just got this new trampoline in the backyard and it was so funny that time she jumped on it while wearing clog mules and her shoe flew off! Ha ha ha, you guys! Anyway, the dentist finished up, told me she was done and that it’d be a little bothersome for a couple of days and sent me on my way. It was bothersome for a couple of days, and then after a few weeks, I started experiencing excruciating pain. I finally scheduled an emergency visit and it turned out that the tooth she’d worked on had developed a full-blown abscess and I needed a root canal! And it was her fault because she wasn’t paying attention to what she was doing! And I had to pay $200 for the root canal that was her fault!
I bet you nobody has a Benny Ninja horror story like that. Maybe an ex or former roommate or something, but that’s it.
Lesson Two: Model Like a Dancer
So Ashley the dancer got kicked off on the dancing episode. That’s not poetic justice; I googled it. And honestly, I don’t even know if it’s ironic anymore because of Alanis Morissette. But it does make me wonder what exactly Tyra means when she says– often– that dancers model a particular way. Whenever she trots out her unhelpful examples at panel, it just looks more dramatic, but then again, until this cycle, I thought smizing was more squinting than anything else. So maybe we need another superhero to come down from the sky and explain what the difference is, like Cirque Du Sol-Jay.
And I know Tyra thought she was being smart when she suggested that Ashley should have known her angles from working in a dance mirror, but that doesn’t make any sense to me. It’s good for body positioning, but if you’re looking at your feet and calves in the mirror, how can you know what your chin looks like from below? Dancers don’t get a head start on that, scene kids on MySpace do. Give them a cameraphone and a front seat in the car and you’re in business.
Lesson Three: Do Your Little Turn on the Catwalk
I know I’m a little late with pointing this out, but did you notice there haven’t been any My Life As a Cover Girl spots this cycle? I don’t really miss these grating, poorly narrated extended commercials for Cover Girl products featuring the previous cycle’s “winner”, but with so little news coming out from C12′s Teyona– I struggled to remember her name the other day– it almost seems unfair. I hope at the very least that she’s getting work and not waiting tables at some snack shack like Naima from Cycle 4. Sometimes you just can’t make “fetch” happen, Tyra.
Eight girls remain! The wheel in the sky keeps on turnin’! And no, I don’t mean Jay Manuel! Tune in tonight for what seems to involve martial arts in midair! I’m limbering up in anticipation!
love the pink leopard print dress!